Emails

Archived: 11/11/06

From: [address removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Mastercard

MASTERCARD wedding...

This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place
at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno
mentioned it on his Tonight Show. It was a huge wedding with about 300
guests. After the wedding at the reception the groom got up on stage with a
microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from
long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to
thank the bride's family and his family and to thank his new
father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep
appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So
taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party,
was a manila envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked
them to open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride
having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them
weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a
couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said,

"F**k you!"

Then he turned to his bride and said, "F**k you!"

Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta
here." He had the marriage annulled first thing the next morning.
While most people would have cancelled the wedding immediately after
finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as
if nothing were wrong.

His revenge... making the bride's parents pay over $32,000
for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the
bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family
members.

This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends...$32,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion...$ 3,000.
Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui...$ 8,500.

The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the
bride humping the bestman...Priceless.

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else
there's MASTERCARD.

Kat

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Emails

Archived: 26/04/06

From: [Address Removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: More Quotes From The Courts

• Lawyer: "Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?"
• Witness: "Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words."
  

• Lawyer: "The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas."
• Witness: "No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
  

• Lawyer: "Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"
• Witness: "The victim lived."
  

• Lawyer: "Do you drink when you're on duty?"
• Witness: "I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk."
  

• Lawyer: "Could you see him from where you were standing?"
• Witness: "I could see his head."
• Lawyer: "And where was his head?"
• Witness: "Just above his shoulders."
  

• Lawyer: "So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?"
• Witness: "I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital."
• Lawyer: "It was covered?"
• Witness: "Yes, bandaged."
• Lawyer: "Then, later on...what did you see?"
• Witness: "I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head."
  

• Lawyer: "Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?"
• Witness: "He didn't offer me nothing. He just said I could have the furniture."
  

• Lawyer: "And what did he do then?"
• Witness: "He came home, and next morning he was dead."
• Lawyer: "So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?"

Lawyer: "Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?"

• Lawyer: "What is your relationship with the plaintiff?"
• Witness: "She is my daughter."
• Lawyer: "Was she your daughter on February 29, 1979?"
  

• Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
• Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."
  

• Lawyer: "Did he pick the dog up by the ears?"
• Witness: "No."
• Lawyer: "What was he doing with the dog's ears?"
• Witness: "Picking them up in the air."
• Lawyer: "Where was the dog at this time?"
• Witness: "Attached to the ears."

The Court: "Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any."

• Lawyer: "Are you married?"
• Witness: "No, I'm divorced."
• Lawyer: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"
• Witness: "A lot of things I didn't know about."
  

• Lawyer: "What is your marital status?"
• Witness: "Fair."
  

• Lawyer: "Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?"
• Witness: "No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."
  

• Lawyer: "What is your brother-in-law's name?"
• Witness: "Borofkin."
• Lawyer: "What's his first name?"
• Witness: "I can't remember."
• Lawyer: "He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?"
• Witness: "No. I tell you, I'm too excited." (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) "Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name!"

Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

• Lawyer: "Have you lived in this town all your life?"
• Witness: "Not yet."
  

• Lawyer: "How many times have you committed suicide?"
• Witness: "Four times."

Lawyer: "How long have you been a French Canadian?"

Lawyer: "So you were gone until you returned?"

• Lawyer: "What happened then?"
• Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
• Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
• Witness: "No."
  

• Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
• Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."
  

• Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?"
• Witness: "Yes."
• Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"
• Witness: "Yes, sir."
• Lawyer: "What did she say?"
• Witness: "'What disco am I at?'"
  

• Lawyer: "Sir, what is your IQ?"
• Witness: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think."
  

• Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
• Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."
• Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
• Witness: "Er...his face."
  

• Lawyer: "Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?"
• Witness: "There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet."
• Lawyer: "Can you identify the rifle?"
• Witness: "Yes. There was something written on the side of it."
• Lawyer: "And what did the writing say?"
• Witness: "'Winchester'!"
  

• Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
• Witness: "I only have one, you know."

---

For more funny emails sent straight to you, join my mailing list. Send me an email with 'Join' as the subject line, or use this link;

To remove yourself from my mailing list reply to a message with 'Remove' as the subject.

Your email addresses will not be passed on to any third party or used to circulate 'Spam' email. Addresses will be joined subject to a confirmation email. Messages sent out through the mailing list may be passed on to whomever you choose. Messages recieved as 'Remove' messages will immediatly have their source address removed and will not recieve any further messages from me.

---

From: [Address Removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Cover Letters

• "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"

• "Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume."

• "I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt."

• "Please disregard the attached resume -- it is terribly out of date."

• "It's best for employers that I not work with people."

• "Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity."

• "If this resume doesn't blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope."

• "My fortune cookie said, 'Your next interview will result in a job' -- and I like your company in particular."

• "You hold in your hands the resume of a truly outstanding candidate!"

• "I am sicking and entry-level position."

• "Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

• "I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated."

• "I am relatively intelligent, obedient, and as loyal as a puppy."

• "Note: Keep this resume on top of the stack. Use all the others to heat your house."

• "I don't usually blow my own horn, but in this case, I will go right ahead and do so."

• "I need just enough money to have pizza every night."

• "My compensation should be at least equal to my age."

• "I'm submitting my resume to spite my lack of C++ and HTML experience."

• "My primary goal is to be recognized."

• "Below are the top 10 reasons to hire me."

• "My salary requirement is $34 per year."

• "I'll need $30K to start, full medical, three weeks vacation, stock options and ideally a European sedan."

• "I am superior to anyone else you could hire."

• "I vow to fulfill the goals of the company as long as I live."

• "Although I am seeking an accounting job, the fact that I have no actual experience in accounting may seem discouraging. However..."

• "I realize that my total lack of appropriate experience may concern those considering me for employment."

• "I worked here full-time there."

• "I'll starve without a job but don't feel you have to give me one."

• "You are privileged to receive my resume."

---

From: [Address Removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Oil Change

How Men and Women Change the Oil

Women:

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.

2. Drink a cup of coffee.

3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money Spent:
$20.00 Oil Change
$1.00 Coffee
----------------
$21.00 Total

Men:

1. Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.

2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.

3. Open a beer and drink it.

4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7. Place drain pan under engine.

8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

10. Unscrew drain plug.

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.

12. Clean up.

13. Have another beer while oil is draining.

14. Look for oil filter wrench.

15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.

16. Beer.

17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.

18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.

19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.

23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24. Remember drain plug from step 11.

25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.

27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.

28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.

29. Begin cussing fit.

30. Throw wrench.

31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left breast.

32. Clean up. Apply Band-Aid to knuckle.

33. Beer.

34. Beer.

35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.

36. Beer.

37. Lower car from jack stands

38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands

39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.

40. Test drive car

41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.

42. Car gets impounded.

43. Make bail. Get car from impound yard.

Money Spent:
$50 parts
$12 beer
$75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match!
$1000 Bail
$200 Impound and towing fee
---------------------------
$1337 Total

---

From: [Address Removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Quotes from resumés

• "I am very detail-oreinted."

• "I have a bachelorette degree in computers."

• "Graduated in the top 66% of my class."

• "I worked as a Corporate Lesion."

• "Served as assistant sore manager."

• "Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel."

• "Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis."

• "Special skills: Thyping."

• "Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes."

• "I can play well with others."

• "I have exhaustive experience in manufacturing."

• "Special skills: I've got a Ph.D. in human feelings."

• "My contributions on product launches were based on dreams that I had."

• "I eat computers for lunch."

• "I have used lots of software appilcations."

• "Objection: To utilize my skills in sales."

• "Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years."

• "Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job."

• "Previous experience: Self-employed -- a fiasco."

• "I am a pit bull when it comes to analysis."

• "I am the king of accounts payable reconciliation."

• "Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle."

• "I like slipping and sliding around behind the counter and controlling the temperature of the food."

• "Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word 'paranoia.' I prefer to elaborate privately."

• "Reason for leaving last job: Bounty hunting was outlaw in my state."

• "My ruthlessness terrorized the competition and can sometimes offend."

• "I love dancing and throwing panties."

• "I am quick at typing, about 25 words per minute."

• "I am a rabid typist."

• "Skills: Operated Pitney Bones machine."

• "Special Skills: Speak English."

• "Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."

• "Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts."

• "Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."

• "Education: August 1880 - May 1984."

• "Experience with: LBM-compatible computers."

• "Fortunately because of stress, worked in the cardiac intensive-care ward."

• "Typing Speed: 756 wpm."

• "Objectives: 10-year goal: Total obliteration of sales and federal income taxes and tax laws."

• "ONCE FOCUSED ON AN OBJECTIVE, I BELIEVE MYSELF TO HAVE AN UNDYING LUST FOR SUCCESS WITH ACCURACY AND EFFECIENCY."

• "AT ONE POINT IN TIME DURING [John Doe's] 28 YEARS ON THIS PLANET, HE WAS IN AN AUTOMOBILE ACCIDENT; WHICH PUT A FEW YEARS THERAPY, SOME 'ROLLERCOASTER' EMOTIONAL SOUL JOURNEYS, AND A WICKED JOB RESUME, WHICH MOST EMPLOYERS WOULD FROWN UPON, AROUND HIS PRESENT IDENTITY... TEN YEARS 'IN THE RUNNING'. HOWEVER, GIVEN THE PRESENT CASH FLOW, VIA. THE AMERICAN GOVERNMENT, CONSISTENCY, BOTH PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY, HAVE BEEN REALIZED AND TOUCHED UPON OVER THE PAST FEW YEARS. ALL IN ALL, MY RELATIONSHIP WITH SOCIAL SECURITY BENEFITS IS GROWING NEAR END IN RESPONSE TO MY ACCUMULATED WORK HISTORY. HENCE, I SEE URGENCY, CLOSURE, SOME FEAR, STRONG DESIRE, AND MATURITY ALL WOVEN INTO THIS EXPRESSION OF ME, THE EMPLOYEE TO YOU, THE EMPLOYER."

• "Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable."

• "Personal Qualities: Outstanding worker; flexible 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year."

• "My experience in horticulture is well-rooted."

• "Work History: Performed brain wave tests, 1879-1981."

• "Extensive background in public accounting. I can also stand on my head!"

• "I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise."

• "Personal: Married 20 years; own a home, along with a friendly mortgage company."

• "My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."

• "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business."

• "Frequent Lecturer: Largest Audience: 1,351. Standing Ovations: 5. Number of Audience Questions: 30."

• "Interests: I like to workout in my free time. I enjoy listening to music. I love to shopping in new places."

• "Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school."

• "Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math."

• "Personal Goal: To hand-build a classic cottage from the ground up using my father-in-law."

---

From: [Address Removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Customers

Matt

---

From: [Address Removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Gynecology

A gynecologist tired of his profession, and wanting less responsibility, decided a career change was in order. After some serious thought, he decided that being an engine mechanic, something he had once enjoyed prior to college, would be a good choice. However, it had been a long time since he had tinkered with an engine and he knew that in order to compete with the younger workforce, he would have to go to school.
He enrolled in a technical institute that specialized in teaching auto mechanics. He aced the course, but the final exam required each student to completely strip and reassemble an engine. It was with some trepidation that he took the test. At completion, he turned the engine over to his instructors for evaluation and awaited his final grade.

When they were handed out, he did a double take at the 150% grade he received. Rather confused, he asked his instructors how it was possible to have a grade like this. "It is really quite simple," they said. "We gave you 50% for correctly disassembling the engine, 50% for correctly reassembling it, and an additional 50% for doing it all through the exhaust."

Gary

---

From: [Address Removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Help desks of all times and places.

Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?

Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?

Customer: Yeah....

Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?

Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen.....

Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!

===============

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?

Customer: A white one...

===============

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.

Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?

Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.

Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.

Customer: No... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....

===============

Tech support: Click on the "my computer" icon on the left of the screen.

Customer: Your left or my left?

===============

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?

Male customer: Hello... I can't print.

Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...

Customer: Listen, pal -- don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates!

===============

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says, "Can't find printer." I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

===============

Customer: I have problems printing in red...

Tech support: Do you have a color printer?

Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.

===============

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?

Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.

===============

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.

Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged in to the computer?

Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.

Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.

Customer: OK.

Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?

Customer: Yes.

Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?

Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work.

===============

Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.

Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

===============

Customer: I can't get on the Internet.

Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.

Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five stars.

===============

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?

Customer: Netscape.

Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.

Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

===============

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

===============

Tech support: How may I help you?

Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.

Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?

Customer: Well, I have the letter "a" in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

===============

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.

Tech support: Are you running it under Windows?

Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.

===============

And last but not least:....

Tech support: Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager.

Customer: I don't have a P.

Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: What do you mean?

Tech support: "P" ... on your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!

===============

Mike

---

From: [Address Removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Italians At War

An elderly Italian man who lived in the outskirts of Monte Cassino went to the local church for confession.

He said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son and you have no need to confess that."

"It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors."

The priest said: "By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people together under those circumstances are greatly tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are forgiven."

"Thank you Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."

"And what is that?" said the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

Phil

---

Emails

Archived: 20/11/05

From: [address removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Mary Poppins

Mary Poppins was travelling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

"Certainly madam," he replied courteously.

"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.

"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.

"Certainly, madam," he replied.

"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.

The receptionist nodded and smiled.

"In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please," Mary mused.

After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night. The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.

"Morning madam...sleep well?"

"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.

"Food to your liking?"

"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though, they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.

"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.

"OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary, who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.

"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!"

---

From: [address removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: AAADD

I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it goes.....

I decided to wash the car, started toward the garage and noticed the mail on the table.

OK, I'm going to wash the car...

BUT FIRST, I'm going to go through the mail.

Lay car keys down on desk.

After discarding the junk mail, I notice the trash can is full. OK, I'll just put the bills on my desk...

BUT FIRST, I'll take the trash out, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox, I'll address a few bills...

Yes, Now where is the checkbook?

Oops... there's only one check left.

Where did I put the extra checks?

Oh, there's my empty plastic cup from last night on my desk. I'm going to look for those checks...

BUT FIRST, I need to put the cup back in the kitchen.

I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice the flowers need a drink of water. I put the cup on the counter and there's my extra pair of glasses on the kitchen counter. What are they doing here?

I'll just put them away...

BUT FIRST, need to water those plants.

I head for the door and ... Aaaah!

Someone left the TV remote in the wrong spot.

OK, I'll put the remote away and water the plants...

BUT FIRST, I need to find those checks.

END OF DAY: car not washed, bills still unpaid, cup still in the sink, trash still here, checkbook still has only one check left, lost my car keys, and when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm baffled because...

I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY!!

I realize this condition is serious... I'd get help...

BUT FIRST... I think I'll check my e-mail.

Matt

---

For more funny emails sent straight to you, join my mailing list. Send me an email with 'Join' as the subject line, or use this link;

To remove yourself from my mailing list reply to a message with 'Remove' as the subject.

Your email addresses will not be passed on to any third party or used to circulate 'Spam' email. Addresses will be joined subject to a confirmation email. Messages sent out through the mailing list may be passed on to whomever you choose. Messages recieved as 'Remove' messages will immediatly have their source address removed and will not recieve any further messages from me.

From: [address removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: That Special Gift

A woman was complaining about her car.

She told her husband she longed for something that goes from 0 - 100 in 4 seconds.

Attached is a picture of his thoughtful gift... apparently he's dead now.

Thoughtful Gift

---

From: [address removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Women and Men

---

From: [address withheld]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Communication

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce.
My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!!"

---

From: [address removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Another Assortment

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the Emergency room right away.
*********************

Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the field decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the River, they were quite surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon activated when the raft is inflated. they are no longer employed there.
*********************

A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders. But one day, everyone was under the speed limit, the officer found the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading, "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet, full of change.
*********************

A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
*********************

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment,he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture ... of handcuffs.
*********************

---

From: [address removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Floor

IMAGINE YOU ARE AT A PARTY....

YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING....... (not that you would...)

AND THEN YOU HAVE TO VISIT THE BATHROOM....

You open the door..... and..

NOW, REMEMBER, THE FLOOR IS JUST A PAINTED FLOOR!

KINDA TAKES YOUR BREATH AWAY..... DOESN'T IT?

---

From: [address removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Windows

Windows, how do i love thee
Why not count the ways

---

From:[address removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Bird Flu Hits France

---

From: [address removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Why men are happier

Sad but true....I like the mustache bit best.....

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be Prime Minister or President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another petrol station loo because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress £5000. Morning suite rental £ 100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day holiday

requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is £8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck (and these are optional).

You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier

Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

---

From: [address removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Only In..

Only in Japan

Only in Austrailia

Only In France

Only In Amsterdam

Only In Spain

Only In Hawaii

Only In India

Only In Mexico

Only In Texas

Only In Thailand

And Last
Only In America

Emails

Archived: 20/11/05

---

From: [address removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Spelling

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to rscheearch at
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a
wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be
in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed
it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed
ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I
awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
If you can raed tihs fdoawrd it !!

Steve

---

From: [address removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: EuroEnglish

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by " v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

ZEN VE VIL RUL ZE VORLD!!!

Matt

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From: [address removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Oxymorons

Top Twenty Countdown of the Best Oxymorons...

#20 Found missing
#19 Resident alien
#18 Airline food
#17 Same difference
#16 Government organization
#15 Sanitary landfill
#14 Alone together
#13 Business ethics
#12 Sweet sorrow
#11 Military intelligence
#10 Plastic glasses
#9 Terribly pleased
#8 Definite Maybe
#7 Pretty Ugly
#6 Computer Security
#5 Political science
#4 Diet ice cream
#3 Working Holiday
#2 Exact estimate
#1 Microsoft Works

Anon

---

From: [address withheld]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Tommy Cooper One Liners

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?" I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".

Do you know I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Weggie Kray.

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Do you get my drift?".

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".

Steve

---

From: [address withheld]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject:Bush Talk

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

Stuart

---

From: [address removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Excerpts from the Edinburgh Fringe 2005

Comedy... quite literally!

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
Jimmy Carr.

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.
Chris Addison at the Pleasance.

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon.

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be sh*tting herself.
Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
Susan Murray at the Underbelly

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?
Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.
Susan Murray at the Underbelly

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go "What's my favourite flower?", and you murmur to yourself "Sh*t, I wasn't listening - self-raising?".
Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

The world is a dangerous place - only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.
Jeremy Limb, at the Trap

I saw that show '50 Things To Do Before You Die'. I would have thought the obvious one was Shout For Help!!
Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron.

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork .....
Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.
Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance.

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms.

A dog goes into a hardware store and says "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?". The dog replies "What would the circus want with a plumber".
Steven Alan Green at C34

Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.
Brendon Burns at the Pleasance.

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!".
Norman Lovett at The Stand.

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.
Chris Addison at the Pleasance.

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.
Arnold Brown at The Stand.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.
Milton Jones at the Underbelly.

Alan

---

From: [address removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Engineers

Engineers:-

Take One-

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Take Two-

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

To the Manager, the glass has the ability to double its productivity.

Take Three-

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind golfers. We always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. "The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Take Four-

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.

Take Five-

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Take Six-

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer." Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "Actually it must have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Stuart

---

From: [address removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Equal Opportunities Pilots

Two men dressed in pilot's uniforms walk up the aisle of an airplane. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way alone the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke.

None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moments, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines , secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says: "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

---

From: [address removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: How To Die Earlier

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a Facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She then had someone come in and change her hair color.

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way Home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied,

"I didn't recognize you."

Phil

---

From: [address removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Music Man

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads:
Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827.

Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.

When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.

Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously.

He's decomposing.

---

From: [address removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Air Traffic Control

The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers from around the world.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

While taxiing the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

The irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:

"US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C's and D's, but get it right! "

Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high. Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty--do a complete circle, a move normally used to provide spacing between aircraft.

The pilot of the 727 complained, "Don't you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make even a one-eighty in this airplane?"

Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars' worth."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach speed a little high.

San Josè Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City.

KC Approach: "Malibu three-two Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles."

Three-two Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."

KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"

Delta 105 (in a thick southern drawl, after a long pause): "Well...I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Unknown aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!"

Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7.
Did you copy that report from Eastern?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport area short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206":

Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning, Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."

Ground: "Guten Morgen. You will taxi to your gate."

The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): Yes, I have, actually, in 1944. In another type of Boeing, but just to drop something off. I didn't stop."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got that Fokker in sight."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

Emails

Archived 13/10/05

From: [address removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Auto Accident

Warning, This is gruesome, do not open if you have a weak stomach

Dear Simon
This is gut wrenching, and I apologise for the graphic content but feel compelled to forward this on.
A friend of mine in Germany sent me this photo of a horrible accident on the autobahn. As many of you may know, whether you have travelled to Germany or not, the autobahn is an expressway with virtually no speed limits.
The attached picture may be kind of hard to take. If you look closely at the attached photograph, you can see what appears to be some survivors of the accident, still in the wreckage.
Although the picture is quite graphic, it makes you realize how quickly our loved ones can be taken from us

Alex

Attachment: Autobahn.jpg

---

From: [address removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Inner Peace

I am passing this onto you because it definitely worked for me and we could all do with a little calm. By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace.

The article read;

"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish off all the things you have started".

So I looked round the house to see all the things I had started and hadn't finished...
...before leaving this morning, I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, the Baileys, three Bacardi Breezers, the Jack Daniels, the Prozac, the Valium, half a cheesecake and a box of Terry's All Gold.

You have no idea how bloody good I feel.

You must pass this on to all those you feel are in need of inner peace

---

From: [address removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Posh & Becks

Posh and Becks are sitting in front of the television watching The six o'clock news. The main story is a man threatening to jump off the Clifton Suspension Bridge on to the busy road below. Posh turns to Becks and says:

"David, I bet you 5,000 that he jumps!" to which Beckham replies "5,000? Done! I bet that he doesn't" So they shake hands on the bet and continue watching.
Sure enough, the Man jumps and hits the road below with a loud thud. Beckham takes 5,000 out of his back pocket and hands it to Posh.

But she refuses."I can't take your money, David," she says.
"The truth is, I was cheating. I saw the five o'clock news, so I knew he was going to jump."
"No, babes, fair's fair" says David. "That money is yours fair and square I was cheating just as you were.
I saw the five o'clock news, too. I just didn't think he would do it again."

____________________________

The Real Madrid players are in the dressing room on Saturday,just before the game, when Zidane walks in.
"Boss," he says, "there's a problem. I'm not playing unless I get a cortisone injection."
"Hey," says Becks."If he's having a new car, so am I."

____________________________

David Beckham goes shopping, and sees something interesting in the kitchen department of a large department store. "What's that?" he asks.

"A Thermos flask," replies the assistant.
"What does it do?" asks Becks.
The assistant tells him it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.Really impressed, Beckham buys one and takes it along to his next training session.

"Here, boys, look at this," Beckham says proudly. "It's a Thermos flask."
The lads are impressed. "What does it do?" they ask. "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, "says David.
"And what have you got in it?" asks the lads.
"Two cups of coffee and a Choc ice," replies David.

___________________________

Posh takes her car into a garage to have some dents removed.
The mechanic knowing she isn't the brightest Spice Girl in the world, decides to play a joke on her.
"You don't need me to take those dents out," he says. "Just blow up the exhaust pipe and the metal will pop back into place".

So she takes the car home and tries it.
David spots her from the house and shouts "You silly cow! You have to wind the windows up first!"

___________________________

David Beckham had a near-death experience the other day when he went riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bucking up and down out of control. He tried with all his might to hang on but it was no good. With his foot caught in the stirrup, he fell head-first to the ground.His head continued to bump on the ground as the horse refused to stop or even slow down.Fortunately, however, there was a happy ending. Just as he was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Woolworth's' manager came along and unplugged it.

___________________________

Victoria Beckham and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a cow ran in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the cow was killed.

Posh told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened. About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray.He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.

"What happened?" asked Posh. "Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar,and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me".

"My God, what did you tell them?"asked Posh. The driver replied: "I'm Victoria Beckham's driver, and I just killed the cow.

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From: [address removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: BMW Drivers

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A BMW DRIVER

The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars. First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway! (The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn.)

Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane.
(Why do underlings use this lane? Surely everyone knows it is for BMW drivers only?)

Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 120mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph! Naturally, I got to within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way. Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me! He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car.

Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast! Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my driver's licence to a Police Station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They're not free points either - they're £20 each and I was only allowed 3). But the man at the Police Station said that because I drive a BMW, it won't be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won't even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me!

See now, that's the sort of respect you get when you buy and drive a BMW !

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From: [address removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Killer Biscuits!

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From: [address removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Intensive Care

A man was placed in intensive care, tubes everywhere, nearly comatose. A week later, a second man was put in the same room in very nearly the same condition.

Both lay there, machines pinging, oxygen tubes puffing, monitors pinging, etc.

After a few days, one of the men had the strength to raise his hand and catch the other man's attention. He pointed to himself and said, "Jimmy."

The other man weakly pointed to himself and said, "Paddy."

This act tired them both out so badly it was another day or two before they tried again.

The first man pointed to himself and said, "Scottish."

The second man said, "Irish."

Again the fatigue set in and they both fell fast asleep.

In another couple of days they were at it again.

Jimmy summoned up the strength to say, "Glasgow."

Paddy whispered back, "Dublin."

This time they were both stronger and could continue.

"Cancer," said Jimmy.

......."Sagittarius," replied Paddy.

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From: [address removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Light Entertainment

Attachment: lightentertainment.pps

775kb, Requires MS Powerpoint.

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From: [address removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Virus

Ok one of you gits sent me a virus and this is what happened to my mouse.

Attachment: mouse.jpg

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From: [address removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: 10 Husbands, still a virgin.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

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From: [address removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: If Only!!

If only;

Attachment: image001.jpg

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Three Peaks

Archived 14/09/05

The normal challenge is to do the Yorkshire three peaks in twelve hours, so lets try it in ten, after parents silver wedding anniversary, nursing a hangover and resisting the urge to vomit. Yes its just another normal day out.
Things started badly, after following a sign which didn't lead where it proclaimed and stating very clearly completely the wrong distance in the wrong direction we finally found our way up Pehn-y-Ghent.
Whilst making light conversation about fell-runners, the existance of god and the meaning of life the universe and everthing, (42), we were overtaken by the other group who seemed to have it in their head that they were the afformentioned fell-runners (they'll regret it later).
We conquered Pehn-y-Ghent, then realised we had a several hundred mile trek to the Ribblehead viaduct which was our first checkpoint, and a much needed water stop.
We reached the checkpoint just as the other group were leaving, eduring snide comments from one leader and well intended advice from the other, we refilled our water bottles and set off again. We hadnt gone more than a few hundred yards before we met the other group coming the other way. This surprised us, as they had set off like a troop of squaddies five minutes previously, one of them was complaining of illness. The loss of a team member meant we had to join into one group, although this group soon parted again as the other three went storming off onto the horizon. We met them again on the top of Whernside, they were ready with the sarcasm it had taken them the entire ascent to think up.
Whernside passed without incident, fortunatly the interim distance was much less than it had been previously. At the checkpoint, the remainder of our group joined with team three who had met them halfway there, most of us were starting to feel the strain at this point, and we still had one peak left to go.
Jack and Tom who i'm not sure feel such mundane things as pain were sprinting up Ingleborough like two olympic athletes, Matt and I were further down considering the option of suicide, they later revealed their secret weapon of Lucozade Wild Berry Flavour which explained why they were giggling like mental paitients.
Once Ingleborough had passed we met Phil halfway down the mountain with his camera, wanting the usual mugshots which he gets on every activity. Horton-in-Ribblesdale had come into view, Jack and Tom went sprinting off down the hillside leaving us to stare after them in disbelief. They only finished 2 minutes ahead though so much good it did them.
Having checked in at the little café we had left centuries earlier after checking out, we sat waiting for the other team. However after about ten minutes James and Keith turned up, which was a little odd as they were ment to be the sweepers. Hours later the other team appear round the corner, sporting number of injuries most of them completely unknown to medical science.
So you would think this would be the end of our little tale, but the evening held one more surprise for us, coming out of Harrogate we notice some cars stopping ahead, some of them trying to do three point turns whilst dodging the other traffic, we its got to be one of our lot causing this. We notice Andy's car parked on the verge with the hazard light flashing, Andy and Mike meanwhile appear to be looking for something along the wall. Pulling up alongside we inquire as to the problem,
"A cow has just jumped over the wall onto my bonnet"
Eactly which cow it had been was apparant as they had herded it bad into the next field down, which was full of sheep. The damage appeared to be superficial, the headlight had been knocked in and there were dents across the bonnet and wing. The cow didn't seem to be damaged at all. A rather disgruntled looking farmer had appeared asking why one of his cows was accompanying his sheep in the next field. At this point Phil decieded to let Andy sort matters out with the farmer, cast dissapproving looks at Mike who had been sent to ask for help at the nearby Pub two minutes ago and returned with a pint in his hand, and we drove off.
And so ends our little tale, if you feel ive missed anything or wish to add your own version of events please email me. My address is mentioned in enough places on the site.